I celebrate kitsch with the awareness that its sentimental nature will not sustain happiness. I find solace in the artificial, pre-digested, imagineered and the ornate; all conditions whose only objective is to be an unapologetic distractor and a bearer of joy. Kitsch experiences such as floating in a lazy river, is a delightful path of least resistance; a sentimental self-help quick-fix to briefly turn one’s mood around. In these constructed worlds one can be mesmerized by beautiful things without thought or wonder. The empty joy they bring is predictable and comfortable - something that many of us long for these days.
The lazy river winds through about half the park Kids of all ages enjoy soaking up the sun while drifting at a snail’s pace
You won’t want to get out – trust me!
If I could ride the lazy river the rest of my life
I would
Floating at speeds ranging from 2 to 8 mph
Twisting through lush landscapes
I’d wind through the endless loop of Whistling Water Creek
Taking a slow ride all the way around the storm-tossed theme park of my existence
In addition to traditional amenities such as waterfalls and fountains,
It has water cannons for when you’re ready to have a blast
Sights include a life-sized replica shipwreck and windmill
And two water slides for those who are at least 36 inches tall
Among other things
No matter when you’re in it, you can look forward to a subtropical environment that’s sure to wash any worries far away
My feet graze the bottom, toenails squeaking against slippery vinyl,
Tippy toes, try to stop, water swiftly pulls me along
No need to get out, the tube hides the pee
Chlorinated piss water touches my lips as I press them against the tube to blow a long fart Seeing my unamused audience, I think fast and pretend to be a motorboat
I drift seamlessly between wide open spaces and secluded caverns
The polar cave grotto echoes when I scream at Lisa to hurry up
Through the turbulent waters of thunder hole
There’s plenty of splashy fun as I float around
Six hundred feet has never felt so long and relaxing
When we hit the end, I’m gonna keep floating